When he finished he said, in farewell: “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied: “I hope you get better, too.”
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Jokes
Let's laugh! It is very healthy!
Jokes are like poems: read slowly with time and enjoy!
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About 1,4 million children are at risk of starvation this year. This is so much bigger catastrophe than terrorism or any natural disaster.
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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell: “I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied: “I hope you get better, too.”
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A director’s wife hears that her husband has a new secretary.
The director comes home and the wife starts putting questions: "Does this new secretary of yours have nice legs?" "I don’t know." "What color do her eyes have?" "I didn’t notice..." "But about dressing, how does she dress?" "Very fast..." A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie.
As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in. One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled: "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either", the waitress replied, "he just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles." George W. Bush went to see the doctor to get the results of his brain scan.
The doctor said: "Mr. President, I have some bad news for you. First, we have discovered that your brain has two sides: the left side and the right side." Bush interrupted: "Well, that’s normal, isn’t it? I thought everybody had two sides to their brain?" The doctor replied: "That’s true, Mr. President. But your brain is very unusual because on the left side there isn’t anything right, while on the right side there isn’t anything left." A little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms. She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000. Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman. The teller escorted her to the president’s office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted. She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him. He said: "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?" "Not at all", was her reply, "I bet." "You bet?", he countered, "At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?" "Nothing like that", she said, "I just... bet. For example, I`ll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed. They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left. As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early. The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept. He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his. The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved. The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming. She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants. She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady: "What’s the matter with him?" She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied: "Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I`d have the president of the bank by the balls." This man goes to confession and says: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend. The priest says: "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language." The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue. "Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church." The priest says: "And you got upset over that and swore?" The man replied: "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees." The priest said: "And that's when you swore." The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions: "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree." The priest asked: "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?" The man replied: "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried: "Is that when you swore?" The man replied: "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole." The priest screamed: "Don't tell me you missed the f...ing putt!" Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long…
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says: "How can I best serve my country?" Washington says: "Never tell a lie." "Ouch!", says Hillary, "I don’t know about that." The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears… Hillary says: "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says: "Listen to the people." "Oh! I really don’t want to do that." On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears… Hillary says: "How can I best serve my country?" Lincoln says: "Go to the theater." The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said: "I’ve got some bad news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini." After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end: "I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered: "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??" "Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone." A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream: "Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them: "I bought it today." "With what money?", demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well", said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder: "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" "It was the lady up the street", said the boy, "I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!", moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well", she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did." Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible." A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!”
To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!” He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.” A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket. He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket. The man responded: "I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go home." A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation: "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly: "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says: "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!" John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary: "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said: "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said: "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said: "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks: "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies: "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!", said the seaman, "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!", remarked the seaman, "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye", replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well", said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook..." "Young man", said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I'm glad to hear you say that", replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!" |
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1) Think some colour 2) Think some tool 3) Look at the page "Games and other fun" :) JokesAuthorWriter is a man who thinks that the humor is very useful in life. His hobby is jokes, he enjoys to share them and likes to offer jokes for laugh. Here are jokes he has chosen not invented. Idea is that he collects only good jokes and so you don't have to read tens and tens jokes to find out some good ones. Here! BigStep - application! Archives
June 2019
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