"Congratulations, you are the millionth patient in our hospital! To honor this the mayor will do the surgery!"
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A student visits the principal's office.
The principal asks: "What is your name?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david." The principal asks: "Do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole." "When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive
'... I took her to a petrol station..." Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.
The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said: “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem”, said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said: “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?”, the Soldier asked, “This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?” A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them.
So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said: "Now, what do I give them to drink?" An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her. She answered the phone, crying, and said: "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?", the captain asked, "Why not?" She replied: "There are only three doors in here", she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" The Sunday School Teacher asks: “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
“No sir”, Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!” Teacher: "Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand."
Johnny: "My penis in your hand." Teacher: "What?" Johnny: "Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is." Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said: "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said: "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied: "Beer and women!" Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes", said the policeman, "the detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked: "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him: "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?" "I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK." Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says: "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says: "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies: "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week." A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven.
At the end of his talk, he asked: "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!", yelled Little Lisa. "And what do you have to be to get there?", asked the priest. "Dead!", yelled Little Johnny. The teacher was asking the end of the day question that she asks every Friday. If the student got it right they would not have to go to school on Monday.
Little Johnny was determined to answer correctly. So he painted two marbles black and rolled them to the teachers feet. All of a sudden she shouted out: "Who's the commedian with the black balls?" Johnny shouted out: "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday suckas!" One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with: "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie", replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael: "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully", he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny: "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'" Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!", Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad", Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in." One day little Johnny was digging a hole in his back yard. The next-door neighbor spotted him and decided to investigate.
"Hello Johnny, what are you up to?", he asked. "My goldfish died and I'm gonna bury him", Johnny replied. "That's a really big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?", asked the neighbor. "That's because he's inside your cat!" |
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1) Think some colour 2) Think some tool 3) Look at the page "Games and other fun" :) JokesAuthorWriter is a man who thinks that the humor is very useful in life. His hobby is jokes, he enjoys to share them and likes to offer jokes for laugh. Here are jokes he has chosen not invented. Idea is that he collects only good jokes and so you don't have to read tens and tens jokes to find out some good ones. Here! BigStep - application! Archives
June 2019
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Jokes
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Jokes are like poems: read slowly with time and enjoy!
Have a nice life:
About 1,4 million children are at risk of starvation this year. This is so much bigger catastrophe than terrorism or any natural disaster.
Today there is 923 shares of this page in Twitter or Facebook (like you see right up). When there is 1000 shares I start to grow the donation to Unicef for helping those children. Every 10 shares I give 1% of profit of this page to Unicef. So, when there is 1500 shares, I give 50% of profit to Unicef. I have already give 50% of profit to Unicef until today and now I start this new way to count the amount of the donation.
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