"No", says his mom, "of course not."
Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends: "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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Jokes
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Have a nice life:
About 1,4 million children are at risk of starvation this year. This is so much bigger catastrophe than terrorism or any natural disaster.
Today there is 923 shares of this page in Twitter or Facebook (like you see right up). When there is 1000 shares I start to grow the donation to Unicef for helping those children. Every 10 shares I give 1% of profit of this page to Unicef. So, when there is 1500 shares, I give 50% of profit to Unicef. I have already give 50% of profit to Unicef until today and now I start this new way to count the amount of the donation.
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Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks: "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No", says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends: "It's okay, we can play that game again!"
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Little Johnny's father asked for report card.
Johnny replied: "I don't have it." "Why not?", his father asked. "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents." A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said: "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger: "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger, "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny, "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger, "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?" Boss: *Shouting* "Little Johnny come to my office right now..."
Little Johnny: "Yes sir"! Boss : "Little Johnny, I saw you arguing with the customer that just left. I have told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?" Little Johnny: "Yes sir!, the customer is always right". Boss : "So what were you arguing about with that customer?" Little Johnny: "He said my boss is stupid and an idiot sir"! Boss: "That bustard. What did u say to him?" Little Johnny: "I told him he's right!" Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping: "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!", shouted April and the teacher said: "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April: "Who is our Lord and Saviour", but, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!", shouted April and the teacher said: "very good", and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question: "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted: "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted. A teacher asks her class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? ", the teacher asks. Susie says: "I wanna be Johnny's bitch." An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?", he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: "Is that one word or two?" One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says: "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years", replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says: "Man, oh man! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?", she asks him. Trembling the castaway replies: "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says: "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks: "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs: "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got a laptop?" How do you drown a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door. A blonde was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said: "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing." At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great. At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well. Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground. The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?" The blonde said: "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off." A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
“There’s no way they can catch a BMW”, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says: “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend”, said the officer and he walked away. A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..." Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it. Once again, everybody is quite impressed. At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it. Doctor: "You look much worse than you did last week! I said you should smoke a maximum of five cigarettes a day!"
Patient: "And that's what I did. And it wasn't easy because up until now I didn't smoke at all!" Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says: “Why are you arguing?” One boy answers: “We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.” “You should be ashamed of yourselves”, Said the teacher, “When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?" The other guy replied: "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one." "Well", the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?" "That's okay", he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it." "Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?" The other guy replied: "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem." Exasperated, the friend asks: "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?" "No problem", says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark." Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks: "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?" The other guy replies: "I found it." A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and mute, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer: "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says: "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Enzo: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back: "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!" The Godfather asks the lawyer: "What did he say?" The lawyer replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Three blondes are stranded on an island. A fairy comes along and says that she will grant each person a wish.
So the first blonde says she wants to be really smart so she digs and finds a cell phone and calls the Army. The second blonde says that she wants to be even smarter so she finds a flair and sets it off. The third blonde says that she wants to be even smarter than both of them, so the fairy changes her hair color to black and she says: "Let's go over the bridge." A blonde bought a brand new car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend. She reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening. But she didn't reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her what happened? She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said: "These car designers are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!" A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil - if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.
The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question - to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well - but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three holes in it. She then sits down in the chair and farts. "Now," she says, "which hole did the fart come out of?" "That's easy," says the Devil. "All of them." "No, stupid! It came out of my butthole!" A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying: "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" |
Magic trick:
1) Think some colour 2) Think some tool 3) Look at the page "Games and other fun" :) JokesAuthorWriter is a man who thinks that the humor is very useful in life. His hobby is jokes, he enjoys to share them and likes to offer jokes for laugh. Here are jokes he has chosen not invented. Idea is that he collects only good jokes and so you don't have to read tens and tens jokes to find out some good ones. Here! BigStep - application! Archives
June 2019
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