Jack: “Larry, when we came in I saw a strange man sleeping with your wife!?”
Larry: “Keep quiet Jack, don’t wake up anybody, because I have beer here only for two person!”
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Jack and Larry have been in the bar and they came to Larry’s home to drink some beer more.
Jack: “Larry, when we came in I saw a strange man sleeping with your wife!?” Larry: “Keep quiet Jack, don’t wake up anybody, because I have beer here only for two person!”
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Johnny drove his boat to rocks and was very angry yelling to his wife: “Why these rocks are not in this map???”
The wife: “Johnny, my darling, but you found those rocks very well even they were not in the map?” Mick and Paddy are walking along when Mick falls down a manhole.
Paddy shouts down: "What shall I do?" Mick barks back: "Call me an ambulance!" Paddy then jumps up and down screaming: "Mick is an ambulance, Mick is an ambulance." Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?" The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed: "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick." An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?" The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both." The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys. The barman asks: "Did something happen one of your brothers?" "Oh no", replies the Irishman, "I just decided to quit drinking!" Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness.
The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone. The barman says: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.” Paudie explains: "You would drink fast too if you had what I have.” The barman asks: “What do you have?” The guy reaches into his pocket and says: “Fifty cents!” Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear", John replies, "What's the bad news?", asks the patient. The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live." "That's terrible", says the patient, "How can the news possibly be worse?" Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday." A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?” She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” "Certainly father", she replied, “He said: 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun'.” A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said: "I can't take this, you're my friend." But the blonde insisted saying: "No. A bet's a bet." Then the redhead said: "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied: "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!" Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."
One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: "Who just threw that?!" Boy: "Me! I’m going home now." Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant: "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner, she says: "Which Barbie?" She continues: "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious", the saleslady says, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..." Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde: "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!" Second Blonde: "Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!" Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself: "She'll never go for me carrying on like that", so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked beans, and shortly after, that they got married.
It was his birthday a few months later and, on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, the man called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he 'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed: "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms awhile, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue-ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and, a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin. When he heard his wife saying goodbye (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled: "Surprise!!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party. I met two guys wearing matching clothing.
So I asked them if they were gay. They promptly arrested me. Two Jews are walking past a church. The signboard reads "Convert to Christianity today and earn $100!"
The first Jew says: "What a load of crap. Proselytizing schmucks!" The second Jew says: "I don't know, one hundred dollars is one hundred dollars." "You can't be serious", says the first guy. "Watch me", says the second guy and he goes into the church. About half an hour later he comes back out. "Well?", says his friend, "Did they give you the one hundred dollars?" The second guy says: "Oh, it's always about the money with you people!" |
Magic trick:
1) Think some colour 2) Think some tool 3) Look at the page "Games and other fun" :) JokesAuthorWriter is a man who thinks that the humor is very useful in life. His hobby is jokes, he enjoys to share them and likes to offer jokes for laugh. Here are jokes he has chosen not invented. Idea is that he collects only good jokes and so you don't have to read tens and tens jokes to find out some good ones. Here! BigStep - application! Archives
June 2019
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